Today on the podcast:
Logan is a behavioral scientist turned dating coach, and the author of How To Not Die Alone.
As the Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge, she leads a research team dedicated to helping people find love. After studying psychology at Harvard, she ran Google’s behavioral science team—the Irrational Lab.
Her work has appeared in The New York Times, The Atlantic, TIME. The Washington Post, GQ, Glamour, Vice, and on HBO and the BBC.
Today’s podcast goes deep on all things dating and relationships. It’s a full-circle podcast from meeting someone to breakups and finding the one—we cover it all today. Also, I touch on some of my personal attachment styles and previous dating tendencies; so, today’s episode goes through some new topics not previously explored on the podcast.
Enjoy.
Episode Outline
- 05:40 Logan’s backstory and what led her to become a dating coach
- 07:44 Why dating is harder now than ever before and how to understand the challenges of modern dating
- 09:22 The three dating tendencies, the romanticizer, the maximiser and the hesitator
- 15:24 How to discover your dating blind spots and how Disney lied to us
- 20:26 Learn your attachment style and using that information to get out of your own way
- 24:48 Brian reflects on his own attachment style
- 29:06 What Logan knows about dating now that she wishes she had known when she first started on her path
- 31:55 F**k “the spark” and how to reject myths about instant chemistry
- 36:12 The difference between looking for a life partner and a prom date (the person who looks good in photos)
- 41:14 How to decide if you should see someone again
- 44:24 How to decide if you should break up and how to break up with someone
- 50:19 Deciding if you should get married if they’re “the one” and how to build a relationship that lasts
- 52:50 The common trends among successful relationships
Key Points
- Each of the three dating tendencies have to do with unrealistic expectations. The romanticizer has unrealistic expectations of relationships. The maximizer has unrealistic expectations of their partner. The hesitator has unrealistic expectations of themselves. Unrealistic expectations of any kind create huge problems because, even if things are going great, the person is never satisfied with what they have at present.
- Our society has become obsessed with “the spark”: the idea of instant chemistry, that pang of connection; that feeling when you walk into a room and everything else fades and you can only focus on that person. Now, the spark is a wonderful thing; but you should not be selecting your long-term life partner based on it as it’s nothing more than a first impression. Instead, go for the slow burn and get to know the person beyond first impressions.
- Becoming ready for marriage is a matter of the level of your intentionality. You have to exercise the same muscles that you do to strengthen your growth mindset and goal-orientedness and know how you want your future to look. With regard to marriage itself, ask yourself a series of questions, such as whether you see yourself with your partner in the long run and how you’ve both weathered conflict. Then, ask your partner questions such as how many kids you want to have, the religion you want to raise them on, and how you want to manage your finances.
Powerful Quotes by Logan
- You can have high standards. You can have high expectations. But at a certain point, you need to choose someone. You need to invest your time, energy, and resources; and you need to build that relationship instead of waiting for the perfect person to come along.
- Stop focusing on “the grass is always greener” and start focusing on watering the grass in front of you.
- Don’t mistake anxiety for chemistry.
- The antidote for the spark—the thing that you should do instead—is go after the slow burn.
- Go for the life partner, not the prom date.
- One of the best ways to get more people in the world into great relationships is by helping them get out of bad ones.
- Going on the second date as a default is a great way to expose yourself to the type of person who takes more time to open up.
Guest Info
Logan Ury
I’m a behavioral scientist turned dating coach, and the author of How To Not Die Alone. As the Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge, I lead a research team dedicated to helping people find love. After studying psychology at Harvard, I ran Google’s behavioral science team—the Irrational Lab.
My work has appeared in The New York Times, The Atlantic, TIME. The Washington Post, GQ, Glamour, Vice, and on HBO and the BBC. I’m a featured speaker at SXSW 2021.